Buckets & Monkeys: May 2015

PG-13
I would like to announce that after years of contemplation, and testing, I have finally decided on how I am going to organize my underwear drawers from now on. Its important to have a separation method. Your childhood selection process of rummaging through a drawer when your still half asleep in the predawn light becomes obsolete when you leave your mother and go out into the adult world. It eventually becomes apparent that going to the right drawer at the beginning of the day is the adult alternative to your mother controlling your underwear selection process. (This is what your mother was warning you about when she brought up getting hit by a car and ending up in an ambulance, realizing half way to the hospital that your not sure if you made the right choice that morning.)
I have tried the "Fresh-date method"; newest ones separated from older ones, but all that did was make me aware that underwear losses its 'newness' very quickly.
I tried the sight test, but all that did was make me aware that there really is a time that you need to through a pair away (following established ceremonial practices of course).
I tried the color method, but when you realize your white undies are decreasing in number and your grey undies are increasing in numbers, and you haven't actually bought any new undies lately, you find that this method is very depressing. Its bad way to start your day.
I even tried a 'class' method, whereby I keep my 'dress up' undies separate from my casual everyday undies, but this was even more discouraging because I realized that I can't remember the last time I felt that I had a reason I should don my dress-up undies. (I decided that it was important to put the dress-up undies in the regular rotation, a guy needs to occasionally feel special, even if it is at random.)
The method I've decided on is... drum roll please..... boxer and briefs.
Now you ladies out there are rolling your eyes... and now I'm rolling my eyes because any ladies out there should have stopped reading this long ago. Of course to you the boxer and briefs method seems like the obvious method from day one, but let me remind you that, the only idea us guys have about how you 'ladies' organize your undies is because we have stereotyped images in our head that there all labeled by day of the week. At some point in our lives we are made aware of the existence of the horrifying 'granny underwear'. So obviously there is more to it than seemingly logical gender stereotypes.
You have to understand that through most of the male lifespan we start off with one or the other and stick with it most of our lives so the boxer and briefs method would be non-existent. We might try a switch from one to the other late in life, and maybe after a short time switch back, but even then we maintain our choice adamantly.
But, in this day and age we find the boxer or brief choice complicated by colors, patterns and new hybrids like boxer/brief and brief/boxer combinations, and for the weirdly independent among us who find ourselves in the back of the ambulance in a panic, there is the dreadful 'thong'.
It is because of these complications, and reality that our 'boys' find themselves being neglected in our old age, that the boxer or brief separation method becomes important, because we realize that our boys have their up days and their down days and those dispositions need to be catered to.